Commitaphobics Journal

How To Sing The Blues

This step by step guide comes to us from Penny Tim Lincoln. Part 1 of a 3 Part Series...

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old man, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.

13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:

  • You older than dirt
  • You blind
  • You shot a man in Memphis
  • You can't be satisfied
  • Your first name is a southern state...like Georgia

    • Not IF:

  • You have all your teeth
  • You were once blind but now can see
  • the man in Memphis lived
  • You have a 401K or a trust fund

    • 14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston or Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

    15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  • cheap wine
  • whiskey or bourbon
  • muddy water
  • nasty black coffee

    • The Following are NOT Blues beverages:

  • Perrier
  • Chardonnay
  • Snapple
  • Slim Fast

    • 16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

    17. Some blues names for women:

  • Sadie
  • Big Momma
  • Chardonnay
  • Bessie
  • Fat River Dumpling

    • 18. Some blues names for men:

  • Joe
  • Willie
  • Little Willie
  • Big Willie

    • 19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    20. "Make your own Blues Name" starter kit:

    1. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    2. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
    3. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

      4. Posted May, 2005

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